confessions...

so I'm procrastinating again...it's just that, well, I'm not as far along with my master's project as I would hope...I'm not even sure what exactly to hope for is the thing. and I can confess what I'm about to confess saying that it goes along with my procrastination habits of late, but that might be a bit of a lie. I just spent the weekend reading tween vampire romance books..that's right - twilight and the sequel, new moon...jesus h christ - what has become of me? Have I become that desperate that I need that kind of stimulation..apparently the answer is "yes"...what makes such things so cultish? harry potter, lord of the rings...whatever...I guess fantasy helps numb our minds thinking about the doldrums of reality perhaps? Reading the books this past weekend (and yes, staying up until 3 am to finish them each night when a gagillion other things needed tending to) has reminded me of when I got hooked on the Anne Rice novels - I don't know what it was about the vampire novels - maybe I think it's cool how they sometimes try to be human or something...or maybe I just have a compulsive personality about anything in particular and I latch on to things, hoping it'll keep me busy until something better comes along...

one thing is for sure, I am remembering why I stay away from reading books or watching too many movies. Anything longer than your occasional newspaper article or the weekday sitcom gets me too involved...I start feeling too much empathy for the characters, start dreaming about them and wondering how they would react to real life stuff. It's silly really, I mean - can't I compartmentalize fiction and reality? Apparently not. Before I left for the SF trip I watched Juno and the Darjeeling Limited. Both of those movies set me off in a weird mood. I think I felt the way Wes Anderson expects me to feel after one of his movies - from the cinematography, the camera spans, the characters acting so selfish yet frail...puts me over the edge sometimes...I don't know why I'm so impressionable. It makes me think I'm pretty weak deep down despite my sometimes badass exterior (that's right, I said badass)...you add in an aptly placed old school rolling stones song and then I'm over the edge...sobbing for unknown reasons but just knowing that the scene - every part of it, the colors, the song, the expressions - is filling some hole in me that I didn't even notice...

I think reading teenage books about high schoolers falling in love with vampires makes me a little over dramatic...see what I'm sayin' here? The gush of words before you is because of those books...they make me think in a very particular way...shapes my mood to the point that I need to shake myself to concentrate on the task at hand...this isn't right - there are so many things about me that tells me, evolutionarily speaking, that I'm not meant to survive you know? Bad eyes, bad stomach, bad head, impressionable mind that empathizes to extremes that should be seen as unhealthy...I know there are a lot of people that are much worse off...I'm being over dramatic again - I don't know how long this will last, I'm hoping it fades soon enough...Maybe I need to start reading something else, like how action research is an interdisciplinary process that has strong roots in sociology...or how to properly conduct stratified random sampling in a population...or how lipid content and body length can help predict condition factor of a fish...

I was like this after christmas break when I was watching the new Bond movies - it got me in this reckless state of mind - I wanted to drive cars fast, shoot at people, and listen to british boys and their accents all day long...I guess everyone is impressionable like that right?

sigh, I need to stop blathering on about such things...it's embarrassing...thank god I'm just posting this into the wide world web...
xo